This Rewrite Changed Everything

A Real-World Example: BEFORE vs. AFTER

Ever read a donor appeal that felt like it was ripped straight from the pages of Encyclopedia Britannica?

Same.

Last week, I was leading a workshop for nonprofit leaders and brought a stack of real direct mail letters. I read one out loud—and halfway through, the room erupted in laughter.

Why? Because despite its good intentions, the letter was flat. Stats, facts, formal language—important, yes. Memorable? Not even close.

So I pulled out my phone, ran it through my EPIC Framework (Engage, Persuade, Inspire, Close), and rewrote it in seconds.

The difference? Night and day.

Here’s a real-world example from a capital campaign that shows exactly what I mean. Let’s take a look at the Before vs. After.

Let’s apply this to real donor messaging. This transformation came from an actual capital campaign.

Here’s the BEFORE version (data-driven and generic):

Every night, over 3,000 individuals in South Carolina are homeless. Veterans are especially vulnerable. Our organization is launching a campaign to expand services.

Technically accurate—but emotionally flat.

Here’s the AFTER version, rewritten using storytelling:

Ethan’s story began with heartbreak but ended with hope.
For years, he struggled with addiction and broken relationships. At our organization, he didn’t just find shelter—he rebuilt his life, paid off debts, and spent Christmas reconciled with his father.
“For the first time, I felt whole,” he said.

Same campaign.
Radically different emotional impact.

The first version may be informative, but the second is unforgettable.

Because people don’t respond to stats.
They respond to stories.

Want to learn how to make messaging transformations like this?

I break it all down in my book EPIC Impact: The Framework That Captivates Supporters in 7 Seconds Using the Power of Story + AI.
You’ll discover how to use the EPIC Framework (Engage, Persuade, Inspire, Close) to turn dry facts into messages that actually move people.

Grab your copy HERE and start creating content that connects.